The Night Before Christmas Trigun Style
by Rachia
Summary: The cast of Trigun performs The Night Before Christmas... or at least they try...
1. Role Assignments and Costumes

The Night Before Christmas ~ TRIGUN Style By: Rachia  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Trigun, don't own TNBC, don't even own my soul (damn you, Miroku-chan! Sellin' my soul on Ebay...)  
  
Summary: The cast of Trigun performs The Night Before Christmas... or at least, they try to.  
  
A/N: Expect OOC-ness and not a lot of Gung-Ho Gun lines.  
  
WARNING! Contains swearing, mild violence, smoking, Vash being a pervert, Wolfwood Abuse, random Japanese, and more general insanity than you can shake a stick at!  
  
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*A girl with violently red hair and turquoise eyes sits in a directors chair in the middle of a stage in an otherwise empty white room*  
  
Girl: Hmm... I'm bored. *snaps fingers and Wolfwood, Knives, Legato, Meryl, Milly, and Vash fall from the sky in a heap*  
  
Vash: Where are we?  
  
Girl: My room of eternal torture -- I mean my little niche of hell -- I mean the set for my fanfic.  
  
Wolfwood: O.O_? FANFIC?! SHIT! *tries to run away, but not only is he at the bottom of the pile of people who fell from the sky, but there are also no doors*  
  
Girl: *cackles evilly*  
  
Meryl: Who ARE you?  
  
Wolfwood: She's probably the authoress.  
  
Girl: That's right Wolfie! I'm Rachia!  
  
Wolfwood: *blinks* Wolfie?  
  
Rachia: You guys are gonna perform "The Night Before Christmas"!  
  
All: *unpile, then give Rachia a blank stare*  
  
Rachia: Err... *snaps her fingers and a stack of scripts falls from the sky and lands on Wolfwood's head*  
  
Wolfwood: @_@_? Itai.  
  
Rachia: *grabs a script from the stack* Now to assign parts... Lessee... Vash will play the narrator...  
  
Vash: *grins*  
  
Rachia: Milly and Legato, you will play children.  
  
Milly: *looks happy*  
  
Legato: *shrugs*  
  
Rachia: Wolfie, you'll play Santa...  
  
Wolfwood: O.o_? Santa? Me? Why?  
  
Rachia: Ya know... "Saint Nick" ... you have the same name...  
  
Vash: *snort* Our terrorist priest isn't even CLOSE to being a saint!  
  
Wolfwood: *glare* Can it, Tongari.  
  
Rachia: ANYWAY! Meryl will play the narrator's wife...  
  
Meryl: Wait... isn't VASH the narrator?  
  
Vash: ^_^. *sparkles* Hai!  
  
Meryl: -_-;  
  
Rachia: Hmm... We're sort a few actors...  
  
Knives: You missed ME, spider.  
  
Rachia: Hold on plant-boy, I'm gettin' there! *snaps fingers and 7 Gung-Ho Guns (Dominique the Cyclops, Monev the Gale, Zazie the Beast, Midvalley the Hornfreak, Rai-dei the Blade, E.G. Mine, and Caine the Longshot) fall from the sky* Now! Knives, you and the Gung-Ho Guns will play Santa's Reindeer!  
  
Knives: YOU CAST ME AS A REINDEER!?  
  
Rachia: Hai.  
  
Knives: I AM A SUPERIOR BEING, DAMNIT!  
  
Rachia: And now, you're a reindeer. *Snaps fingers and Knives has antlers* You're playing Dasher. Hornyfreak is Dancer.  
  
Midvalley: That's HORNfreak.  
  
Rachia: Sorry, right... WHOREfreak is Dancer  
  
Midvalley: -_-  
  
Rachia: Monev is Prancer, Domi-chan is Vixen.  
  
Vash: That makes perfect sense! *grins perversely at Dominique* ^_^.  
  
Dominique & Meryl: *Smack Vash* Hentai!  
  
Rachia: ANYWAY! Caine is Comet, Zazie is Cupid, E.G. is Donder, and Rai-Dei is Blitzen.  
  
Gung-Ho Guns: *shrug, not entirely sure why they're there anyway*  
  
Vash: What about Rudolph?  
  
Rachia: He's not in this.  
  
Vash: Aww...  
  
Rachia: ANYWAY! You'll find your costumes in the dressing rooms. *points to two doors that weren't there a moment ago*  
  
Dominique, Meryl & Milly: *head for one room*  
  
Knives, Legato, Midvalley, Wolfwood, Caine, Monev, E.G., Zazie, and Rai- dei: *head for the other room*  
  
Vash: *glances between the two rooms, then heads for the one the girls went into*  
  
*Loud yelling and slapping noises*  
  
Vash: *walks back out with slap marks across his face, grins sheepishly, then goes into the other room*  
  
Rachia: *shakes head* I must be out of my mind trying to pull this off... this is going to be a LONG day...  
  
~Later~  
  
*Legato and Milly are dressed in children's pajamas with pudding cups and Kuronekos on Milly's, and hot dogs and skulls on Legato's. Meryl is in a VERY skimpy nightgown. Vash is in bright red pajamas, and still has a slap mark across his face. Knives and the Gung-Ho Guns are dressed in reindeer costumes and antlers. Wolfwood is still in the dressing room*  
  
Rachia: *taking a head count* 10, 11, 12... We're missing someone... Where's Wolfie?  
  
Knives: Chapel refuses to come out of the dressing room.  
  
Rachia: Grr... *stomps up to the door and bangs on it* NICHOLAS DOKONOKUMINOMONJAWARESUMAKINISHITESHIZUMETAROKAKORA [1] WOLFWOOD! GET YER ASS OUT HERE!  
  
Wolfwood: *from inside* NOT A DAMN CHANCE, YOU PSYCHO BITCH!  
  
Rachia: Complementing me won't do you any good, Wolfie!  
  
Wolfwood: ... ... I'm not comin' out!  
  
Rachia: Grr... Oi! Legato! C'mere!  
  
Legato: Yes?  
  
Rachia: If you use your powers to get Wolfwood out here, I'll take you to an all-you-can-eat buffet when we're done.  
  
Legato: O_// ... ^_// YES MA'AM!  
  
Wolfwood: *walks out the door, fighting against moving. He's dressed in a bright red version of his usual suit, complete with a Santa hat and a beard. He looks seriously pissed* Damn blue-haired, insanely thin, gluttonous, psychic, psycho musical notation! This costume looks ridiculous!  
  
Rachia: Arigato, Legato. ... *blinks* ... that rhymes ... *blinks again* ... Anyway...  
  
Wolfwood: *turns to run back into the room & hits the wall. The door disappeared again* @_@_? Itai.  
  
Rachia: Now that that's settled... *yells* PLACES, MINNA!  
  
Everyone: *goes to the various places on and off stage as the stage changes from plain white to a set of a house decorated for Christmas*  
  
Rachia: *walks off stage with her director's chair and watches*  
  
Vash: *stands in the middle of the stage with a script* *clears his throat* Twas the Night before Christmas...  
  
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End Chapter 1  
  
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[1] Apparently, this is what the "D" in "Nicholas D. Wolfwood" means. It's Japanese for "Daily Cigarette Consumption" or something very similar.  
  
A/N: There is an actual chapter two to this, but I'm too tired to type it right now, so it'll be up tomorrow. In the mean time, review please?  
  
^_^v Love 'N' Peace 'N' Donuts 'N' Candy Canes!  
  
~RaChIa ThE sTaMpEdE~ $$64 Billion Woman Humanoid Tornado 


	2. The Performance

The Night Before Christmas ~ TRIGUN Style By: Rachia  
  
Disclaimer: Still own nothing, 'cept my pencil & Notebook. I don't even own the computer I'm using to type on.  
  
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Vash: *clears throat* 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, Not even a mouse. *blinks* If no one is stirring, then how am I up walking around and telling the story?  
  
Rachia: -_-; Does it matter? Just read!  
  
Vash: Fine. The stockings were hung by the chimney with ca-- O.o. Wait... we have a chimney?  
  
Rachia: *mutters something about reasons why she shouldn't maim certain spiky-haired gunmen narrators and points at a cardboard fireplace and chimney* Yes Vash, we have a fire place. Now read your damn script.  
  
Vash: All right, all right! The stockings were hung by the chi-- Rachia?  
  
R: What?  
  
Vash: Can I have a donut?  
  
Rachia: *falls over anime style* Sure Vash *gets back up, dusts herself off, and sits in her chair again* Whatever. After we get through with this though.  
  
Vash: ^_^. YAY! The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Saint Nicky-kun soon would be there!  
  
Wolfwood: *offstage* WHO THE HELL WROTE THIS!?  
  
Rachia: *whistles innocently*  
  
Vash: *blinks* ooookay... The children were nestled all snug in their beds... *looks at Milly and Legato, who are pretending to be sleeping* Aww... Kawaii, ne?  
  
Rachia: *downs some aspirin* Sure. Great. Whatever. Just read.  
  
Vash: Sheesh! The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of su-- *blinks* while visions of DONUTS danced in their heads! ^_^.  
  
Rachia: Nani!? Vash! The line is SUGARPLUMS! Not DONUTS!  
  
Vash: Well, I don't even know what those are!  
  
Rachia: SO?!?  
  
Milly: *opens her eyes* I don't know what they are either, but I prefer pudding! ^_^ *closes her eyes again*  
  
Legato: *opens eyes, or at least the one eye we can see* If were taking liberties with the lines, then I prefer hot dogs. *closes eyes... erm... eye...*  
  
Rachia: -_-; *downs a few more aspirin* Whatever.  
  
Vash: Okay... so... While visions of pudding and hot dogs danced in their heads. *walks across the stage to the side where a large canopy bed is facing a window. Meryl is lying in the bed in her skimpy nightgown* *sits on the side of the bed* O.O. *sees Meryl's nightgown* ^_^.  
  
Meryl: Vash... Don't. Say. A. WORD. Just read your lines so the insa-- err... so the WONDERFUL authoress will let us go home.  
  
Vash: ^_^. Meryl-chaaaaaaaaan...  
  
Meryl: *fire eyes* READ!  
  
Vash: EEP!  
  
Rachia: *repeatedly slams herself in the head with a notebook* Read *slam* your *slam* lines *slam*  
  
Vash: And Meryl-chan in her *Hentai grin* NIGHTGOWN *Meryl glares* and I in my cap... Rachia. I don't have a cap.  
  
Rachia: Does it matter?! JUST READ!  
  
Vash: FINE. Had just settled down for a long winters nap. *low voice* though if I get my way, there wouldn't be a whole lot of napping going on... *Hentai grin*  
  
Meryl: *twitch* *stress mark* *twitch* *WHACK*  
  
Vash: T_T. *slap mark* Owwie.  
  
Rachia: *more aspirin*  
  
Vash: When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter... Rachia... what's "A Rose Suchak Ladder"?  
  
(A/N: Me no own "The Santa Clause" either)  
  
Rachia: It's "arose such a clatter". It means, "There came a big noise." Now read.  
  
Vash: Okay... I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter *jumps up & hits his head on the bar of the canopy part of the bed* @_@. Itai. *falls backwards and lands his head quite conveniently on Meryl's lap*  
  
Meryl: *blush *  
  
Vash: *Hentai grin*  
  
Meryl: *twitch* *WHACK*  
  
Vash: *ANOTHER slap mark*  
  
Rachia: *even more aspirin* Vash, stop being a pervert and read.  
  
Vash: Aww... FINE... *springs out of bed successfully this time* Away to the window I flew like a flash *runs to the window* Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash... *blinks* but I don't LIKE throwing up!  
  
Rachia: -_- It means tossed up in the air. NOT vomit.  
  
Vash: Oh. Okay then. *rips open the curtains on the window and opens it* The moon... err... MOONS on the breast of the new-fallen snow... we don't HAVE snow. We have sand.  
  
Rachia: Vash.  
  
Vash: Yes?  
  
Rachia: SHUT UP AND READ!  
  
Vash: Meep. The moons on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave a luster of midday to objects below. When what to my wondering eyes should appear but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer! With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment, it MUST be Saint Nick...y-kun.  
  
Wolfwood: *offstage* TONGARI! Ya call me that again and I'll cause you SERIOUS bodily injury!  
  
Vash: Ehehe... *big grin* *sweatdrop* AHEM! More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name!  
  
Wolfwood: *is pulled out in a 'sleigh' by the Gung-Ho Guns and Knives, who is still muttering darkly about being a reindeer* ... *fishes in the pockets of his costume for a cigarette, finds one, then lights it* Now...  
  
Rachia: CHOTTO MATTE! *marches up to Wolfwood and takes his cigarette, stomping it out* Santa CANT smoke! It portrays a bad image!  
  
Wolfwood: NANI!?  
  
Rachia: You heard me.  
  
Wolfwood: *mutters* lunatic bitch...  
  
Rachia: What was that?!  
  
Wolfwood: Uh... "lovely authoress"?  
  
Rachia: *mutters* Yeah sure it was, Wolfie. Now READ!  
  
Wolfwood: *in a monotone voice* Now Millions, now Hornfreak. Now Gale and Cyclops. On Longshot, on Beast-brat. On Mine and on Blade-brain.  
  
Rachia: -_- Wolfie....  
  
Wolfwood: What NOW?  
  
Rachia: One, don't take liberties with the script.  
  
Wolfwood: Well I'm not sayin' the line again.  
  
Rachia: Whatever. Two, Read with a bit more enthusiasm, will you?  
  
Wolfwood: -_- ... *forces himself to sound cheery, to the point where he sounds like a deep voiced cheerleader on speed* OKAY! To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Now dash away! DASH AWAY! DASH AWAY ALL! *glares at Rachia* *normal voice* Better?  
  
Rachia: Scarily better. *mutters* smart-ass *normal voice* Okay Vash, back to your lines now.  
  
Vash: *snores*  
  
Rachia: Vash?  
  
Meryl: -_- He's sleeping.  
  
Rachia: *sweatdrop* You're kidding me...  
  
Meryl: No. He's sleeping like a baby. A tall, perverted, spiky-headed blonde baby.  
  
Rachia: OI! VASH! WAKE UP!  
  
Vash: *snores louder*  
  
Rachia: Grr... *stomps over to him, leans down by his ear and yells* IF YOU DON'T WAKE YOUR LAZY ASS UP, I'LL MAKE SURE YOU NEVER EAT ANOTHER DONUT AS LONG AS YOU LIVE!  
  
Vash: *eyes snap open* O.O.  
  
Rachia: That actually WORKED?  
  
Vash: *whimpers* I'm going to live for a long time, and I doubt I could go that long with out yummy, appetizing, scrumptious, delicious, luscious, delectable, mouth-watering, lip smacking, tasty, sugary ... *babbles on for nearly a half an hour* palatable, flavourful, wonderful, and generally terrific donuts!  
  
Rachia: *has been nodding off*  
  
Vash: ... ... ... Rachia?  
  
Rachia: Hunh?!  
  
Vash: You wouldn't REALLY make your favourite bishounen go without his favourite food, would you? *sparkles*  
  
Rachia: Who said you're my favourite?  
  
Vash: I'm not?! T_T.  
  
Rachia: Well, you ARE... but you shouldn't jump to conclusions. Just read your lines.  
  
Vash: ^_^. Okies! As dry as the leaves that before the wild hurrica-- TYPHOON fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky *the Gung-Ho Guns & Knives drag the sleigh across the stage and up a ramp to the 'roof' of the house* Up to the housetop the coursers they flew, with a sleigh full of toys and Saint Nicky-kun too!  
  
Wolfwood: *twitches* TONGARI! I TOLD YA NOT TO CALL ME THAT!  
  
Vash: ^_^.; And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, the pranc-- the clomping and stomping of each giant foot!  
  
Rachia: That's NOT what it says, Vash.  
  
Vash: Well, do you really think they have "little hooves"?  
  
Rachia: I see your point... *downs some more aspirin* Continue.  
  
Vash: As I drew in my head... *blinks* I'm still supposed to be out the window?  
  
Rachia: Yep.  
  
Vash: *sticks his head out the window again* As I drew in my head... *pulls his head in and slams the back of it against the window* ITAI!  
  
Wolfwood, Meryl, Knives & The Gung-Ho Guns: *all laugh*  
  
Milly: Are you all right, Vash-san?  
  
Rachia: He's fine, Milly. The blonde porcupine over there hit himself in the one spot where it'll do the least damage.  
  
Milly: O.o Huh?  
  
Rachia: Nothing, nevermind. Vash, read!  
  
Vash: @_@. BIIIIIIIIIIRDIIIIIIES!  
  
Rachia: -_- Vash -- *HELLFIRE in her eyes* SNAP OUT OF IT AND READ, DAMNIT!!!!! *goes back to "normal"* Okay?  
  
Vash: O.O. h-hai... As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney Saint Nicky-kun came with a bound.  
  
Wolfwood: *glares at Vash before jumping down the cardboard chimney*  
  
Vash: *waits for Wolfwood to come down before continuing with his lines*  
  
Rachia: ... Wolfie?  
  
Wolfwood: *from inside the chimney* I'm stuck.  
  
Knives & Gung-Ho Guns: *laugh*  
  
Rachia: 'the HELL?! How did a scrawny bastard [1] like you get stuck!?  
  
Wolfwood: Shut up and get me out!  
  
Rachia: Uh... hmm... how to get you out...  
  
Wolfwood: ITS CARDBOARD! JUST CUT IT!  
  
Rachia: Okay! *grabs Rai-dei's sword and runs up and slashes the chimney*  
  
Wolfwood: *the part of the chimney he's stuck in falls over, crushing part of the set. He rolls out* Itai.  
  
Vash: ^_^. He was dressed all in red from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot...  
  
Wolfwood: *stands there looking pissed and not a bit sooty*  
  
Vash: A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his sack.  
  
Midvalley: *drops the bag'o'toys down from the 'roof', hitting Wolfwood in the head* You forgot something, "Saint Nicky-kun"!  
  
Wolfwood: *mutters*  
  
Vash: His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry! His cheeks were like roses! His nose like a cherry!  
  
Wolfwood: Blah blah blah... *checks his script* Tongari, jest skip this page. Its useless describing how I DON'T look.  
  
Vash: *glances between Wolfwood, Rachia, and his script* Uh...  
  
Rachia: Read it.  
  
Vash: Okay...  
  
Wolfwood: -_-  
  
Vash: His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard... *snorts* its more like stubble! On his chin was as white as the snow. The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth...  
  
Wolfwood: SEE!? Santa DOES smoke!  
  
Rachia: -_- Whatever.  
  
Wolfwood: *lights a cigarette* Ahh... sweet nicotine...  
  
Rachia: *rolls eyes*  
  
Vash: Err... The butt of a cigarette he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a round little belly that shook, when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly. *snickers*  
  
Wolfwood: -_- Can it, Tongari.  
  
Vash: He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf... err... priest. And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.  
  
Wolfwood: *rolls his eyes, then turns his head and winks at Vash*  
  
Vash: He spoke not a word... *snorts* ...but went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings and turned with a jerk.  
  
Wolfwood: *throws random things AT the stockings*  
  
Vash: And laying a finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.  
  
Wolfwood: *sets his middle finger on the side of his nose after directing it towards Rachia, then nods, and clips himself to a set of wires that lift him up*  
  
Vash: He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle  
  
Wolfwood: *sits in his 'sleigh' and whistles to Knives and the Gung-Ho Reindeer*  
  
Vash: And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.  
  
Gung-Ho Guns & Knives: *haul the 'sleigh' off the 'roof'*  
  
Vash: But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight:  
  
Wolfwood: Merry Christmas To All, and to all, a good RIDDANCE!  
  
*curtain falls*  
  
Rachia: CURTAIN CALL!  
  
*loud crashes and swearing are heard from behind the curtain*  
  
Rachia: -_- *shakes the now-empty bottle of aspirin[2]*  
  
*curtain rises to reveal a demolished set and the cast standing in a line. They take a bow*  
  
Audience who has been there, unnoticed, the whole time: *applauds, then gets up and leaves*  
  
*dressing room doors re-appear and the cast enter the correct rooms*  
  
Vash: *stops Meryl before she goes in* Meryl-chan?  
  
Meryl: What?  
  
Vash: You should keep that nightgown! ^_^.  
  
Meryl: *twitch* *WHACK*  
  
Vash: *another slap mark*  
  
Meryl: *walks into the girls' dressing room*  
  
Vash: *rubs his cheek and goes into the guys' dressing room*  
  
Rachia: Thank GODS, its over.  
  
*10 minutes later*  
  
*Everyone is standing around in their usual clothing, except that Knives can't seem to get his antlers off*  
  
Knives: *yells at Rachia* SPIDER! GET 'EM OFF ME OR I'LL HAVE ONE OF MY MINIONS KILL YOU IN AN UNPLEASANT WAY!  
  
Rachia: *rolls eyes, then sighs* FINE. *snaps fingers and the antlers disappear*  
  
Legato: *walks up to Rachia* You promised to take me to an all-you-can-eat!  
  
Rachia: Yeah, okay, let's go.  
  
Vash: WAIT! You promised me a donut!  
  
Rachia: *rolls eyes* Ya know what? Since I don't have a donut with me right now, why don't you just come with Legato and me to the buffet.  
  
Vash: ^_^. Okay!  
  
Legato: *stares at Vash, then licks his left hand*  
  
Vash: *twitches*  
  
Rachia: *snaps her fingers and everyone but Vash, Legato, and herself disappear* Let's go boys... *walks out a door followed by Vash and Legato*  
  
~owari~  
  
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[1] The scrawny bastard thing is a reference to a random statement of mine made during a Wolfwood centered AMV. I was singing along until one shot of him where I just stopped and said "DAMN he's a scrawny bastard!" Then the person I was watching the video with and I burst out laughing.  
  
[2] Yes, over the course of this fic, I DID take a full bottle of aspirin. DON'T try this at home, kiddies. Thanks to fanfic magic, I won't be getting my stomach pumped for this.  
  
A/N: Didja enjoy it? Well, even if you didn't, review anyway, 'cause good reviews are yummy and flames heat my room.  
  
^_^ \\// Love 'N' Peace 'N' Donuts 'N' Candy Canes  
  
~RaChIa ThE sTaMpEdE~ $$64 Billion Woman! HuMaNoId ToRnAdO! 


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